I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
