dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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