im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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