I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Semen is not good for contacts.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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