4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
