my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
They have beer where we have blood.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
