community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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