Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
