47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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