Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
