After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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