you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
