I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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