the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
