I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
