went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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