haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
