I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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