apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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