I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
