Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
