So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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