I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
