Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
