You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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