Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
