two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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