I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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