I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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