I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
