So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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