I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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