11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
