Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
