Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
