I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
