I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
