I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
