This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
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