Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
