vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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