I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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