Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize