I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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