dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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