my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Your penis caused this!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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