you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
