i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize