never play flip cup with pint glasses
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
