woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
