New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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