i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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