oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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