After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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