Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
