the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
