I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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