WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
