If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
