Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Michael Bay diarrhea
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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