I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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