She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
is that a dick in a sweater?
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