In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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