my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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