I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
