We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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