You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
