I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
we should paint friendship bongs
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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