I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
