I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
